February 2012
7 posts
Are you a princess? you could easily pass for a...
Perhaps we no talk.
Hello. This will be my last email until hopefully...
This is after 3 previous messages. Also, I should probably have the college requirement in who I want to date.
I really like the name Peter. Should I date this...
BEACH BOYS CONCERT HMM,LET A WELL OFF SMART MATURE HUNK TAKE YA THERE,WHOM ENJOYS A YOUNG BEAUTIFUL GAL BY HIS SIDE I think you could have alot of potential in the workout area,and,us togetherI think if you saw me in person you’d say woaw,he’s attr. & in good shape though a triathalon is just the kind of fitness level I lack,elyptical,bowflex,etc,I am usually occupied in…my...
“Hi hun just seen youre hot pic and youre looking fantastic how u doing hotty....”
– Sent by a pictureless profile. So how can we continue this riveting conversation based solely on looks?
“Hey. I can give you everythings I owned starting from my last name”
– ..
….WOAH.
“sexy as hell! think your to shy for me tho… we would look great together i...”
– If you were to picture what kind of hair style this guy was rocking, what would it be?
If you thought this you are RIGHT! (Please note that image was googled, not taken from a profile, that would be mean).
“u are by far the prettiest girl ive ever seen i would be so down to get to kno u...”
– just baught my own house and my parents are muliti millionairs.
This guy has copy, pasted, and re sent this message to me over 6 times this week.
TEMPTING, really tempting.
January 2012
22 posts
“Wow, you’re amazing . I gotta be honest with you I don’t like this...”
– Yup, no red flags here… (If you were wondering about appearances, ps, he’s a dead ringer for this guy).
Nope.
we’re the same age
thats a lot in common already
want to be my girl friend
Maybe he meant to send this to his therapist?
So I had the weirdest dream a few nights ago. Like many of my dreams, this one takes place in a location I’ve had dreams in before. In this case, it is a nonexistent college dorm that I had a series of dreams about attending the school and living there some years ago. Anyway, for some reason, the British royal wedding was being held in the dorm and I was banned from attending. There were...
“Whats your problem”
– Ah, you sure do know the way to a girls heart: hostility?
As requested
I have opened this blog up to submissions and questions. This should be interesting :)
“I would like to throw in my application as your official stalker, unless of...”
– CHARMING!!
“beutiful smile”
– Quick, you have two words to initiate communication with a stranger on the internet with whom you would like to go on a date, misspell something!
Today, I'd like to tell you a story. A story...
One time I went on a date with this guy that I met online. I was super busy that day and ended up skipping lunch, so once it was time for our planned dinner I was really looking forward to it. When we met at the restaurant he said that he’d order for us, which I thought was funny but I figured, whatever he picked the restaurant maybe he knows some great dish that I just have to try. Again, I...
“Ed hardy girl”
– I can assure you that this is a misinformed assumption…
Just got back from vacation
And my inbox needs some tending to, but trust me you, there’re some doozies coming soon!
“Your not allow to reply”
– Right.. Then I not reply now.
“your betta there me u cum dumpster?”
– There is nothing sexier than a man speaking in cryptic code. Unless, of course, you add in him calling you a cum dumpster after. Nice.
This is the type of guy that makes me feel content in the fact that I am most likely going to be a crazy cat lady someday. Or now. Meow.
“hi there i’m ——-, seiously looking for one night stand lol i...”
– Honesty is a virtue…right?
“Hi- were broken up”
– Glad we could nip this in the bud.
“so hot i whould love to get tono u more baby girl.”
– Thnx, I whould like tomeat u* just to hear u* pronounce the word “would”.
I don’t know this guy, but I hate him. He is every creepy guy that has said some similar nonsensical sentence at a bar, sporting event, or concert that I was trying to enjoy. And here he has followed me...
LOL.
Yesterday:
"hey whats up, can i ask you kinda weird question?" - Rando
"whats that?" - I was intrigued, had to hear the question
"hi, ok so do you wear nylons or tights? i need advice"
To which I did not respond, not really interested in continuing this conversation...
Today:
"hi, can i ask you kinda weird question?" - Same rando, same approach- REPEAT OFFENDER, LOL!!
"Is it the tights and nylons thing again?" - Me, creeped out, but looking forward to a laugh
"ya can you wear some today"
That's it, all that build up, all that hope that you'd say something exceptionally ridiculous and all you say is something only slightly creepy (which, in turn kinda made it more creepy). UGH.
“I think that you’re super cute and don’t even mind if you smoke too.”
– Thank goodness I got your permission, I was really worried there for a minute…
“You are so beautiful!!! you should let me love you!! let me be a good beer to...”
– Define “fill me up” exactly. And, to tell you the truth, beer (with the aid of gravity) has brought me down many a time. Thanks for the offer, though!
“Hi beuaty”
– Profo reda, plesae.
“Hi, meow.”
– Woof.
“So, hi there.
I’m gonna just be flat out honest here even though you...”
– I showed this to one of my best friends who read it through and then asked me if the man that sent this message was good looking, to which I responded: ”Life is cruel, my friend, life is cruel.” If he was my type I just might’ve taken him up on the offer, because I am so sick of...
December 2011
20 posts
“you are beautiful. how old r u? r u in collage? i like to read. i like to cook....”
– Sigh. I sat here staring at the keyboard for a good while, looking at the locations of the E and A key to see if there might be a reasonable explanation for such an epic spelling fail. Honestly, though, compared to what most of my inbox is full of this guy did send me a very kind message. So,...
“WASSUP MA” HOW WE DOING TODAY HOLLA AT THE KID?”
– I am baffled by your choice of punctuation.
“damn you are sexy as hell haha do you have a facebook or soemthin”
– I am swooned by your eloquent and respectful words!
“i like ur smile, don’t stop beautiful.”
– I’ll try not to. People do make me frown sometimes, though.
“baking — BAKING”
– BAAAAKKKKIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGGGG!!!!! …baking?
…bacon.
“hey. smell my nuts?”
– People like you really exist, huh?
“i consider mysefl an artistic fellow as well :D instead of painting i paint with...”
– You misspelled the word ‘myself’. Sorry, rather, you “misspainted” it. And, with you being a poet and all, I am confused by your poor sentence structure.
“Those are some sexy tootsies you have there. You do a lot of walking with those...”
– Now, I can’t even say that I’m 100% certain that I know what he’s talking about here…
“hola, we go out fri nite? meow”
– Clearly, he’s a purrfect gentleman.
Im single, looking for true love with vegan. I...
This one was sent to me a while back. I don't think it was going to work out, I'm 5 inches taller than him and am most certainly not a claim and quite vegan.
"HEY SWEETIE,YOU SEEM LIKE SOMEONE I CAN TALK...
Nah, I ain’t mad because you, sir, are a comedic genius. I like you’re style, too, ‘cause you have no time for spaces after punctuation marks. Makes everything sound more urgent. I can just picture you now, interrupting your complimenting my breasts by ardently inquiring if I was mad about your complimenting my breasts.
"can I watch you sleep?"
WHAT?!?!?!?! I've heard some lines before but, MAN, I had trouble just falling asleep after I got this one. Here's a hint, fellow net daters, keep it light. For instance, "Hello, my name is such and such. Blah, blah, blah".
“Can we pleasefuck”
– What’s that? Oh I see what happened there, I believe there is supposed to be a space between please and fuck. Keyboard sticky much? GTFO, guy.
"hey, sexy ears"
You've got to be fucking kidding me.
“Hello there! Could you build me a house, please?”
– How about some coffee first?
"wats gd cutie"
OMG wtf do u evn meen?
“I luv ur pic, please date me…”
– Followed by telephone number and facebook information. No hello, no attempted conversation, just “I like that one, give it to me”. In retrospect, I probably should have added him on fb then immediately went in for the relationship request, just to see what he’d do. And then...
"Do you like Mexico?"
Why do I feel like this is a trap?
“damn girl your so fine! and since were fishing id love to reel you in”
– Why the selective use of punctuation? And, where are your appropriately placed CAPITAL LETTERS, damnit!?!?! And, seriously, B- for effort on the pickup line, dude. This is a dating website, not a dive bar.
Let me share with you a deep, dark secret
I internet date! EEP! Even as I write the words, I can actually feel the shame rise up and bubble to the surface. I don’t know why I feel like it’s my dirty laundry, but I do. I don’t judge other people for doing it and, in fact, I know a ton of people who do. But then, I just can’t seem to admit it, myself. My internet dating self is like a sleeping tiger. Well, not...